god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
