I can't breathe out the right side of my face
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
