we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
