If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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