There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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