wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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