What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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