i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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