so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
