The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
