you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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