I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
