I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
