I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
