But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
