Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
