you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
