You're a womanizer and a bitch.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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