after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
