1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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