When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
