Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
