I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
