remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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