Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
