Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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