"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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