I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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