So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
