My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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