she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
