The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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