We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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