he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is my gift to your gina
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
