So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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