you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
