Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
this boner is exhausting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
