My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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