Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
