I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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