im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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