Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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