Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
