the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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