he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
