Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
