Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My vagina is officially offended.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
