So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
