Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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