Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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