FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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