im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
