At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Couch. On fire.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
