I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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