where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
