Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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